Ever felt like your heart is so wounded that you won’t recover? How can three little words do so much damage?
I work full time. Not sure why I feel the need to explain myself, but I do.. I work full time predominantly out of necessity. Utilities, insurance and gas, just to name a few are ridiculously expensive in North America and financial constraints mandate that I work full time. That being said, even if I didn’t need to, I’d probably want to work some time. I like contributing to a big picture as someone other than a Mum. But my role as Mum is the most important. Going back to work full time has taken some adjustment from us all. I am proud to say that I still eat breakfast every day with my girls at the kitchen table and every day is rounded off with a family dinner! When I go to work I take it seriously, I try to make a positive impact with every interaction. If I have to be there, I may as well do my best and try to get something in return for my family. So far it’s working well. I recently got promoted. I get to work from home 2 days per week which cuts down on my commute and increases the time I spend with my girls and I also get medical benefits. Having said that as soon as that clock comes round I race out of there, either to collect them from daycare or straight home to meet everyone for dinner. Today was no exception. I did a full day’s work. Managed to wash dishes, throw in some laundry and dash across Town to collect them. To my surprise my eldest (she’s 3) was not as equally excited to see me. She announced that she was staying there and was not coming home. She’s said this before and if I threaten to leave she usually changes her mind pretty quickly. Now I’m very lucky that my day care is a family member, still she had plans and we needed to leave. So I got in the car with baby Bubs and we drove around the Turning circle. I looked out and Dolly Day Dream seemed panicked so I capitalized, rushed back around to collect her with a big grin on my face. She announced once again. “I’m not coming”. She was encouraged to get in the car. We talked about dinner and seeing daddy. She was adamant. So I had to pick her up and force her in to the car. My chest started to hurt. I so look forward to collecting them and bringing them home. I couldn’t believe that she didn’t want to come. I thought she’ll be fine once we set off. How wrong could I be. She started to scream, sob, yell. ” I’m not going” kicking my chair. I tried to reassure her, it would be fine. She could go back Tomorrow. She got louder and more distraught. Then she started with the words… “I don’t love you”. Ok did someone physically stick a knife in me? It certainly felt like it. I replied, “well I’m sorry to hear that, but I still love you and always will” she told me she didn’t care through screams, she would now hate me as I was making her go home. I explained that Nana had plans and she couldn’t stay. That we would make arrangements another night. For 20 minutes she screamed hysterically that she didn’t love me and to let her out on the side of the road as she was not going home. By this time the baby got so upset with the tension she too started to join in! I stopped for gas, figured if I could break the cycle by just distancing myself for a minute or two that might help. Ermmmm, no. She was so loud and now had the baby for chorus that other people in the gas station were staring at me. In the end, I had to yell and say that Nana didn’t want her there that night as she had plans. Certainly not my finest our and by this time tears were now streaming down my face too! I reiterated that we would make plans for her to stay over another night and that Mummy and Daddy were so excited to have her home and have dinner as a family. Nothing seemed to be working. I tried to engage conversation about what she wanted to eat or what we could do for Canada day, everything was failing. All of a sudden she seemed to see how much she was upsetting everyone and as quickly as it started she stopped! Then I heard these three little words in succession. “are you sad?””don’t cry Mummy” ” I’m so sorry” and “I love you”
Phew….I it’s supposed to get worse as they get older, if that’s the case. Someone send me a Kevlar vest!